


the more I deny it, the more that it's true

by barelyprolific



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Angst, Denial of Feelings, F/M, Mutual Pining, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 03:54:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18541744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barelyprolific/pseuds/barelyprolific
Summary: Maggie's really good at lying to herself, until she's not. a 5+1.





	the more I deny it, the more that it's true

**I.**

One evening, Maggie looks into Jackson’s eyes expecting them to be a different shade of blue.

“Oh,” she murmurs, startling slightly, and he smiles, wide, the corners of his eyes crinkling as his brows furrow in confusion.

“Everything okay?” he checks, leaning in slightly so that their shoulders brush together. Reaching up, Jackson brushes a loose coil of hair off her forehead. Maggie blinks, almost wanting to jerk back from the touch. She forces herself to hold still, smile back while her mind whirs.

“Yeah,” she drops his gaze, looks down at the drink she’s been clutching in her hands. “I just forgot where I was for a second.”

Jackson’s arm drops around her shoulder, a heavy weight, pulls her closer.

“Am I that boring to you right now?”

“No, no.” Maggie leans forward, causing his arm to fall away, sets her glass on the coffee table and stands. “I’m just distracted. I think I’m going to take a shower, see if it clears my head.”

“You want any company?”

“No, no. You wanted to watch this, watch it.”

Jackson’s stare has a scrutiny that makes Maggie uncomfortable. She resists the urge to cross her arms over her chest. There’s no reason to be defensive.

Maggie also resists the urge to breathe out in relief when Jackson shrugs slightly, turns his attention back the the t.v. screen.

“Alright.”

Retreating to the bathroom, shuts the door behind her, leans against it with her eyes closed.

Tomorrow, she’s taking Dr. Parker off her rotation.

**II.**

“Jackson asked me to move in.” Maggie blurts it into the silence of the room. No, not silence. Comfortable, companionable quiet, which she has now ruined forever with her huge mouth because Casey has looked away from the scans on the screen in front of him and is gaping at her.

His mouth clicks closed, he looks away. When he speaks, his voice sounds--strangled.

“Congratulations.”

“I haven’t--I mean… I’m not sure I want to?”

Casey looks at her again, quick, eyes going wide, then narrowing. Carefully, slowly, he asks the same question Maggie’s been asking herself since she hesitated to say yes.

“Why wouldn’t you want to?”

Maggie lifts her gaze, meeting Casey’s, and swallows. Her mouth is suddenly dry. Terribly dry.

“I need some water.” She stands up, pushing the chair back from the desk almost violently. “I’m going to go get some water.”

“You don’t have to tell me,” Casey says, the words stopping her from reaching the door. Maggie looks over her shoulder at him, then turns completely, her hand finding the back of her chair.

“I know I don’t,” she snaps, then takes a deep breath. “I mean… I just… I don’t know why. I think maybe I’m just not ready.”

“Something holding you back?”

Maggie’s face crumples, she forces herself to laugh. Her hand tightens on the back of her chair.

“No. No, I just don’t think we’re there yet. We haven’t even been dating that long, and there’s just so much… So much to consider.”

“Right,” Casey drawls, eyebrow twitching. She hates it when he does that. When he looks at her like he’s seeing through her.

Hates it.

“I really want that water. I...I’m really thirsty.”

“Okay.” Casey’s eyes move over her, then back to the screen. Maggie takes a deep breath.

Okay.

**III.**

There is a woman standing very close to Casey at the nurse’s station. Maggie’s steps slow, halt as she watches the woman place her hand low on Casey’s back, tilt her head close to his and say something that makes him chuckle.

Not that Maggie blames her. Casey’s got a nice chuckle. From a completely impersonal standpoint, of course.

She’s pretty. Dark, silky-looking curls that tumble halfway down a back that is bare except for three criss-crossing straps holding the back of it together.

“Dr. Parker’s girlfriend,” Schmitt supplies, voice close to Maggie’s ear, making her jump slightly.

“Oh. I thought she lived in California?”

“She’s here to interview at Seattle Pres for an internship.”

“Oh,” Maggie says again, dully. She forces herself to smile, turn it to Schmitt. “Well, good for him. It’s a lot easier to be in a relationship when the person you’re dating is close.”

Something flickers in Schmitt’s eyes, but all he does is nod.

“She’s really nice,” he offers. Maggie’s sure she is. She’s happy for Casey. Really.

“We have patients,” she tells Schmitt, gives his shoulder a shove to get him moving down the hall.

When she looks at Casey as they pass him, his eyes are on his girlfriend.

**IV.**

“Have you seen Dr. Parker?” Owen pokes his head into Maggie’s cardio lab. “I thought he might be in here doing paperwork, or something.”

“What?” Maggie’s voice comes out more shrill than she means it to. “Why would he be in here?”

“Well, you two are friends, right?” Owen moves further into the room, crossing his arms as he leans in the doorway. “You’re friends with all the interns.”

“I am not.” Maggie feels herself flush. Flush with offense. Only offense. “Well, Schmitt, okay, maybe I’d call him a friend, but not--not Parker. He’s just really good at cardio.”

Owen is watching her like he’s trying not to laugh. Maggie thinks she might hate him.

“So he’s not in here.”

“I haven’t seen him at all today,” Maggie tells him. “Check the intern locker room, or the cafeteria, or the tunnels. You know, places where they actually hang out. Not my labs.”

Owen nods, then pauses. Maggie sighs.

“Uh, you know--I didn’t mean you offend you, or imply anything…”

“You didn’t,” Maggie snaps. “You--just go, Owen.”

“I like Parker.”

“Owen!” Maggie slams her hand down. “Parker is just an intern. He’s a good intern, but he is just an intern.”

Owen doesn’t say anything for so long Maggie thinks he’s left. She jumps when he does speak.

“They’re never just interns, Pierce.”

The door closes with a quiet click.

**V.**

Meredith collapses next to Maggie on the couch, her head lolling on the back. She sighs.

“I don’t know why Ellis is having such a hard time sleeping lately. It’s like she’s more clingy than usual--than Zola and Bailey were combined.”

“But she’s finally down?” Maggie leans forward to grab the bottle of tequila sitting on the coffee table and pour herself and Meredith both a shot. Her sister’s eyebrows shoot up.

“Any particular occasion?” She asks, clinking their glasses together before she throws it back. Maggie takes her shot, making a face at the taste, grabs a lime slice from the plate of them she brought with her from the kitchen.

“Do you think it’s possible to be in love with two people at once?” She pours them both another shot while Meredith considers the question carefully. Finally, she nods.

“I do,” she says. “And not just because Helm keeps talking about poly relationships, lately, either. But I also don’t think it’s something everyone can do.” Accepting the second shot, Meredith clinks with Maggie again. “Why, who are you in love with besides Jackson?”

“Not me!” Maggie shakes her head. “No, no--I just meant. You know.”

From the look on her face, Meredith doesn’t know. Maggie shakes her head again, a little frantic.

“You know. The whole...Amelia, Link, Owen, Teddy, Koracick knot.”

“What, you think they’re all in love with _each other_?” Meredith starts laughing, loud, merry. “Oh, that...that would definitely be a village raising children.”

Maggie tries to picture it, but just pondering the amount of ego that group would involve makes her head spin.

“So you don’t think so?”

Meredith sighs, turns her head lazily to skim her eyes over Maggie’s face.

“Well,” she waves her hand. Maggie takes it as her cue to pour them both another shot. “There’s that quote, you know? If you fall in love with two people, choose the second.”

“What?” There’s a lump in Maggie’s throat that makes it hard to speak. “Why?”

“Well, because presumably, you never would have fallen for them if you really loved the first person.”

“And do you think that’s true?”

“I think…” Meredith downs her third shot, winces, takes the tequila bottle to pour herself another one. “I think love is complicated, and we never really have anything completely figured out.”

Maggie thinks about blue eyes that crinkle at the corners, the deep groove of dimples set in a well-groomed beard. She sighs.

“You know, I think you’re right.”

Meredith nods, and hands Maggie another shot.

**+i**

Maggie’s lost track of how many glasses of wine she’s had, but she pours herself another one anyway. Jackson is over by the buffet that’s been set out for the guests at Bailey and Warren’s anniversary party, chatting with Richard, her sisters have disappeared with their own men, and Maggie has been trying not to stare at Casey and his ridiculously beautiful girlfriend as they wander around the room.

She lost track of them awhile ago, too, which is quite frankly a relief. The sight of them seems to give her heartburn.

Someone sidles up next to her, gently plucking the wine glass out of her hand. She turns to protest, finds herself looking at the source of her heartburn.

Well. Half of the source. Casey hands her a glass of water.

“Don’t want our chief of cardio to get dehydrated.” He’s cheerful. His cheeks are flushed, hair mussed slightly.

Maggie drinks the water in three gulps, sets the glass down.

“Where’s your girlfriend? Janaria, right? Where’s Janaria?” Her name sounds like a disease. _Sorry, honey, not tonight. My Janaria is acting up._ Maggie snorts to herself, and Casey smiles like he’s in on the joke.

He’s really not. The only joke is Maggie. Maggie’s life is one giant joke.   

“She had to go. Her on call shift starts in an hour.”

“Hope she wasn’t drinking,” Maggie sing-songs, reaches for her wine glass again. Casey holds it back slightly.

“Are you okay?”

Mouth twisting into something sour, Maggie narrows her eyes at him.

“Don’t ask me that.”

“So you’re not.”

“Of course I’m not!” Maggie hisses it, gesturing with her free hand between Casey and herself. “I am livid. I am furious. I--I am in the first relationship of my life where I feel--okay, not completely accepted for who I am, but I know he tries, and he loves me, and I...love him, and I hate, I hate it--”

She can feel her face crumple. Takes a sip of wine to calm herself down again. Casey is watching her with a furrowed brow, the corners of his mouth dipping down. Their eyes meet, and Maggie’s heart thumps hard against her ribs.

“I hate that I can’t stop thinking about you and how I feel when I’m with you,” Maggie all but whines, voice barely above a whisper. “I hate that you haven’t ever had to try to understand me. You just do.”

“Dr. Pierce,” Casey’s face has gone pale. “Maggie--”

“Hey, Maggie, there you are.” Jackson’s arm slides around her waist, tugging Maggie to his side. “I got us food.”

With his free hand, Jackson hold up a plate crammed full of hors d’oeuvres. He nods at Casey. “Hey, Parker.”

“Dr. Avery.” Casey draws himself up, shoulders back, spine stiff. “Enjoying the party?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Jackson tilts his head, his smile not quite reaching his eyes. “You?”

“I think I’ll be taking off soon. My girlfriend left, and all my friends have paired off.”

Jackson’s hand curls around her hip. Maggie wants to squirm away, so she leans into it instead. Clearing his throat, Casey steps back.

“Well. Enjoy your evening.”

“Thanks, you too,” Jacksons says, but he’s not looking at Casey at all anymore, leaning in to ask in Maggie’s ear if she wants to get out of there and go somewhere private.

The words ‘not with you’ are on the tip of her tongue.

Maggie digs her teeth into her bottom lip, bites down to keep them in.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think!


End file.
